By Hansook Oh

Do you ever have trouble reaching epiphanies in the library because every fifteen minutes, an Asian suddenly screams out “Ching-chong, ling-long, ting-tong” into their phone? If so, you have reason to be more afraid than annoyed.

At the University of California, Los Angeles, a white, female student named Alexandria Wallace recently posted an online video describing this terrible and rude phenomenon.

Wallace has decided to leave school after her final exam schedule was made public and she received multiple death threats from other students on campus.

She should be made an American hero.

In her video, Wallace courageously pointed out other injustices Asians at her school get away with. She bravely pointed out the throngs of Asians at her school have yet to learn “American manners,” and they may be illegal alien infiltrators from the empire of the East.

She attempted to expose the inhumane and lucrative underground trafficking ring Asian students run, where they force their family members from Asia to come to their apartments on weekends to cook, clean and do laundry.

Despite her intent on exposing this Yakuza-like mafia, Wallace had the decency to acknowledge how tragic the earthquake and tsunami in Japan must be for the Asians.

Wallace knows that since all Asians are connected through telekinetic soybean energy, Asians in China, Korea and the rest of the orange chicken-producing countries will feel the Japanese tsunami in their minds.

Wallace must have felt unsafe about fully exercising her right to free speech, because she did not mention the many other plots Southern Californian Asians have up their kimono sleeves.

Wallace makes it clear that she is suspicious of the hoards of Asians that are accepted into UCLA every year. She does not buy the idea that Asian students are pressured by their parents to do well or spend a large amount of time studying and she asks the public to question these lies.

It’s all in the eyes. Asians’ eyes are actually as large as their skulls, but they hide their gigantic eyeballs with their skin suits. Their freakishly large corneas help them do well in school, especially on standardized testing.

For example, when taking the Scholastic Aptitude Test, their intensified eye strength makes it easy to see the answers printed right above the questions. Normal Americans cannot see these answers because they are printed in ink made of opium.

The same talent allows them to blend into society, because they are able to have jobs that require good eyes. That is why so many Asians are manicurists, dry cleaners, engineers, surgeons and nurses.

Possibly the most dangerous misconception people have about Asians is they cannot drive (because of their falsely small eyes). Asian people are excellent drivers.

Asians strategically disseminated that stereotype into American culture when they got here yesterday, because they may be plotting a surprise car crash attack on UCLA’s cafeteria, where they serve American food. It is well known that Asians hate freedom and the foods of freedom, which means anything that is not orange chicken or sushi makes them very angry.

The next time you are in the library and hear “Ching-chong, ling-long, ting-tong,” call the FBI or the CIA or the campus police. That phrase is most likely a code for “Let us unite together and crash our cars at UCLA.”
Wallace had to immolate her dignity and respect to warn us, and now she may never get another whistle blowing job, or any kind of job at all. She should not have to sacrifice her reputation in vain.