The Talk: Two women discuss their points of view on virginity and sexual choices

Illustration by Gabriel Ivan Orendain-Necochea






















Brandi Murphy

From a very early age, girls are taught that it is in their best interest to remain virgins for as long as possible.  It can be as innocent as, “wait until you find the right person,” or as eyebrow raising as “wait until you’re married so you can have something to give your husband” as if love and devotion isn’t enough. But, no matter how it’s phrased, the message is loud and clear; don’t have sex.
Of course, this is almost always referring to abstaining from heterosexual vaginal sex. This concept turns a blind eye to oral and anal sex, and completely disregards women who have sex with women, as if these activities don’t even happen.

However, once these same girls are in high school, they’re being bombarded with various representations of sexuality: their peers are having sex, the characters of their favorite TV shows are having sex, and the media is equating sexuality with femininity. This message that “Sex is awesome!” is rather clear as well. Naturally, with all of the mixed messages, these girls are going to do what they want, and for some, that means having sex.

When I used to be able to tell people I was a virgin, I received everything but a standing ovation. Guys, whom I had no intention on sleeping with, would get excited, as if I told them that they’d won the lottery. Girls would tell me how much of a good girl I was, one even went so far as if to say she was “proud” of me, and for what? My virginal status didn’t make me a better person. I wasn’t any less rude, awkward, smart or caring.

Being a virgin didn’t make me a special person; it just meant that I had yet to have sex. But, people treated me as if I was a unicorn in some mystical forest.

What’s wrong with staying a virgin, until marriage or otherwise? Nothing is wrong with it, at all. There’s nothing wrong with having sex either, but there’s no denying that young women who are sexually active are thought of as different than girls who aren’t. Even girls who aren’t having sex, but embrace aspects of their sexuality are treated differently.

Dr. Sheena Malhotra, professor and chair of CSUN’s gender and women’s Studies Department said that women receive a double message – one that encourages women to stay chaste while telling them that their value is solely as a sexual object. The promotion of both aspects is somehow always related to what men want, and tend to ignore the wants of women.

“In general, men are taught that virgins are what you marry, but expect women to be sexually experienced as well,” said Malhotra.

How can anyone expect someone to be well-versed in a subject she was never introduced to? By the time a guy is out of high school, it is generally expected that he has already lost his virginity to a girl. But if girls are expected not to have sex, how exactly can anyone expect boys to be having sex with them?

It’s not just the guys who aren’t making sense, either – women also aid in upholding this sexual hierarchy that offers no benefit to them.

A great example of this is the special attention the media gave to 30-year-old Lori “Lolo” Jones – a U.S. olympic hurdler who competed in 2008 and 2012 – for “coming out” as a virgin. Jones was asked if she’d seen any “hookups” in the Olympic Village, and her response was incredibly problematic.

“I’m in a suite with seven girls, and I guess we don’t have any sluts on the team,” Jones told USA Today.

Now while there’s nothing wrong with remaining a virgin for as long as she has, it is not right to imply that women who have sex are sluts. What justification could there be in telling the world whether or not the women Olympians were having sex? As if they hadn’t spent the last year in a hardcore training schedule and didn’t have the right to “de-stress” in any manner they saw fit.

Lolo is helping to further the mindset that insists a woman will be less desirable to men once she “loses” her virginity. This is damaging to women’s sexual identities.

“While sexuality is a powerful part of being human, reducing them to just that aspect makes them lose sight of who they are, and their full selves,” said Malhotra.

Being a virgin doesn’t automatically make anyone some ethereal being that is a prize to be won, just as having sex doesn’t instantly make someone a whore who is two steps away from turning tricks in a sleazy motel.

– Brandi Murphy is a third year Journalism student. She spends her free time sleeping, watching crime dramas and reality TV, and baking various desserts from recipes she found on Tumblr.



Serineh Verdeana

In my senior year of high school, one of my main concerns about college was the pressure to have sex.  I had heard that casual sex was a part of the “college experience”.

I’m a sophomore in college and I’m still a virgin. I chose to wait to have sex because these days, you never know what a person’s true intentions are. For example, I dated a guy for over two years – we were best friends – the ideal couple. When I refused to “put out” he started to distance himself and eventually ended up breaking up with me. I can say now, that being so young, we would have broken up anyway. I would have been more hurt if I had compromised my morals, by choosing to have sex with him, only for him to have left me a couple of months later.

I’m not alone in waiting to have sex at this age. In a study by the National Center for Health Statistics, the percentage of people 18-24 years old, who are still virgins, is increasing.

I don’t want to “throw away” my first sexual experience for someone who it wouldn’t mean anything to. It is easy to get someone to want to have sex with you, but it’s not easy to find someone who will truly love you even if you aren’t ready for the physical aspect yet. This goes for whoever you choose to love, if sex is all they are looking for and you want more than that, then reconsider who you want to be with. I want something more than a casual one night stand with someone I’ll never see again. I would not trade any five minute fling in the backseat of a car for the cost of my integrity. I would be cutting myself short on how I truly deserve my first time to be.

The double standard on women’s sexuality causes confusion and makes the choice of abstaining from sex much harder for women. If you don’t have sex you are considered a “prude,” but if you do, you’re considered “used” or “trashy.”

Sex is a natural thing and the only way that this world can continue. There is nothing wrong with it, unless you are doing it for the wrong reasons; such as because your friends are or you just want to “get it over with” already. I don’t ever want to be wishing I could have my virginity back like some of my female friends on campus feel.  In a survey done by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, 72 percent of women and 55 percent of men said they wish they would have waited to have sex.

Having sex shouldn’t be a decision you make because everyone else is telling you to, because you can’t get it back once it is lost. However, people can choose to be “reborn virgins” by choosing to be celibate – abstaining from having sex – even though one has had sex already. Just because you have done it once, doesn’t mean you don’t have a choice to stop. It’s a lot easier to give into the pressure that “everyone is doing it,” than to stand up and choose not to, but it’s an option everyone has.

At 19 years old,  I don’t feel as if I even know my body well enough to give it to someone else. I would only be disrespecting myself by not listening to my body telling me it’s not the right time yet. The first time is meant to be saved until that one person comes along that is worth being vulnerable for. The person that’s worth being in pain over.

I may sound like a “prude,” but I would be lying if I said the temptation wasn’t there, because it is. I consider myself a pretty decent looking woman, blessed with the body to match, and I have no trouble attracting guys. I’m a sexually driven human being like most people and it is hard for myself to say no in the moment. But I know that the one moment could possibly define the rest of my life. I want more for myself and know that the wait will be worth it.

In a sense, it is me guarding my heart from the hurt that may come from feeling “left” by a potential partner after I give them this big part of me.

Whoever the lucky guy that makes me feel comfortable enough to make me want to give up my “V-card” is, he will appreciate that even though I didn’t know who he was going to be, it was for him.

– Serineh Verdeana is a second year psychology major, an aspiring anesthesiologist and a self-proclaimed relationship expert.