I personally don’t believe in cheating.  On tests.  At board games, card games, sports.  On taxes.  On a significant other.  But truth be told, everyone’s cheated at least once in their life, including me.  We all slip up sometime.

The saddest part of it all is that society has become somewhat more accepting of cheaters.  At the very least cheating has become so typical, and to a small extent expected, that it’s almost developed into some sort of mini-norm.

Media coverage of celebrity cheaters, from athletes to politicians to movie stars, has saturated popular culture. Because of this, society begins to fail to see that cheating really is wrong.

Not to stray too far off topic, cheaters in intimate relationships, I would like to focus on the biggest issues that surround infidelity: How people cheat, why people cheat and what should be done with those who do cheat.

I have never been cheated on and I have never cheated on someone.  Then why am I the one writing this article, you may ask.  It’s simple, I know people who have been on the receiving and giving end of cheating.

I’ve observed enough to know what happens when someone cheats.  I bring an unbiased point of view to the subject, plain and simple.

I like to believe that cheating on a significant other falls into two major categories: emotional and physical.

Emotional cheaters are typically looking for attention because they feel some sort of disconnect from their current partner.  These types of cheaters seek out someone who will listen and who can offer a shoulder to cry on.

This mode of cheating usually involves telephone calls, e-mails and the ever so popular, and highly evident, text messaging.

I have actually had some personal experience with this particular type of cheating, and I wasn’t even aware that any cheating was going on in the first place.

EJ, his real name, was a friend from high school.  It wasn’t until after we graduated that I really started to take notice, but I quickly learned that he was taken.

I just as quickly learned that he and his girlfriend had frequent and persisting problems.

One random night, EJ and I started to communicate via text message.  We continued on into the next day, week and even month.  Then I finally asked him a simple question, “So why did you and your girlfriend break up?”

“We didn’t break up,” he simply responded.

The jerk was still with his girlfriend.  The nature of our conversations led me to believe that he was single.  I was beyond shocked…and disgusted.

I thought that our conversations had meaning behind them.  Little did I know, all he was looking for was the emotional attention he obviously wasn’t getting from his girlfriend.

Even though I knew that I had technically done nothing wrong, the way he had behaved made me feel like I was somehow the “other woman.”  And that was something I wasn’t down with.  I quickly cut off communication with him.

At the other end of the cheating spectrum is physical infidelity.  This, for the most part, is pretty obvious.  But there are plenty shades of grey when it comes to what constitutes as physical cheating.

A touch.  A kiss. Oral sex.  Full on sexual intercourse.  Where should the line be drawn?

Some may consider dancing with someone other than their partner as cheating, while things like kissing and full-on sex are more concrete forms of physical infidelity.

So, which is worse? Emotional or physical?

Depending on which sex a person identifies with, each type of cheating may hold a significantly different meaning.

For example, women tend to be more emotional beings who like to verbally connect with people.  When a woman is betrayed by her partner through feelings it may be as though she’s lost a piece of herself, because of the emotion backing the connection she thought she had.

Men on the other hand are a more “show” then “tell” type of being.  Men may feel ultimately betrayed if their partner is physically attached to someone else, because this may prove that a man has lost a sort of dominance over his partner.

I can’t say for sure why people cheat, trying to do so would take years of research and frankly I have better things to do with my time.  But I do have a couple theories.

There are some people who simply don’t want to go through the tedious task of breaking up with their partner.  These people are just waiting for their partner to break things off first.  They figure that since the relationship is dying, they are free to do as they please.  (Case in point, EJ.)

The appeal of getting caught may also be one of the reasons people cheat, the adrenaline rush, the taboo nature of it all. Doing something forbidden.  But once the act is done…then what?

Should the repercussions be the same for someone who kisses their non-partner versus someone who sleeps with someone else?

It’s hard to tell.  On one hand there’s the old saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”  But there’s also the offhand chance that people can change.

I believe that the nature and frequency of infidelity is very telling.  If it happens once and is not very serious then maybe, just maybe, forgiveness can be considered.  But for chronic-cheaters, kick that person to the curb, stat.

Personally, I think that all cheaters should be shipped off to some deserted island where they can all live happily ever after and can cheat on one another.

The person who came up with the phrase “never settle for less” obviously didn’t know it’s much easier said than done.

As cliché as the phrase is, it’s essential to never, under any circumstances, settle for anything less than you deserve. When you are aware of what you have to offer in any relationship, why would you even entertain the thought of settling?

When you’re in a situation you think is not ideal for you, a part of your conscience kicks in and tells you to change it because you know you deserve a thousand times better.

For some, particularly myself, it’s easier to do what’s right when romantic feelings aren’t involved. Once you start dealing with matters of the heart, then it becomes one giant, messy cluster.

If you read last week’s column then you are aware of the real story about my relationship with Brandon. (Yes, people, he’s back.) I painted the picture of the mess I got myself into as the other woman, but what you don’t know is why I settled for what Brandon gave me.

Life as the other woman is like being the bench warmer instead of the main player. No one intentionally sets out to sit on the bench, or at least I hope they don’t, but sometimes we find ourselves playing second string to another person. If Brandon didn’t want to be with only me, then why did I want to stick around?

The problem is love and relationships are much more complex than a sports team. If you have a friend who isn’t treating you right, you cut them out of your life no matter how bad it hurts. But if your significant other isn’t the person you deserve, it’s not as easy to turn off your feelings and move on to something better.

When I realized my role in Brandon’s life, I managed to still stay in the mess because of my uncanny ability to live in a state of denial.

After the initial shock wore off when I got the news he had a girlfriend, things between us were a little tense to say the least. However, he quickly did a fabulous job of melting it away and reinstating the comfort and ease between us. It was as if the main player didn’t exist.

My text messages were responded to in a timely manner a majority of the time, but every once in awhile there would be a significant lag. This occurred mostly on the weekends, when he didn’t have work or school to keep him busy.

I’d tell myself he was just occupied, knowing very well who he was occupied with. Every time I would admit why he wasn’t around I would break down. My heart ached that I wasn’t a top priority. Here I was on the sidelines with no hope of becoming a starter, and it disgusted me that I was OK with it.

Brandon would go through sporadic moments of being emotionally distant from me. I would get livid with his behavior, but I didn’t have a right to because subconsciously I knew the issue was most likely his girlfriend.

When he had the slightest notion he was losing me, that was when he made himself available, both emotionally and in person. He would say and do everything necessary to bring me back, and it worked like a charm time after time.

As soon as he had me back in the game, it wouldn’t take long for him to go back to his usual behavior. But it was the times he was there with me that made up for all those times I was alone.

The whole time we were involved I wanted more than empty words. As a second-stringer I settled for them because, at the end of the day, they were words.

I did a superb job in convincing myself that on some level he meant them and he would occasionally tell me he did. Deep down I knew better, but knowing that didn’t stop me from staying glued to the bench.

I continued to settle for him because it was better to have something than to have nothing at all. I couldn’t fathom the thought of being emotionally alone, and keeping Brandon around helped me avoid that possibility.

There were times when the relationship was amazing. I couldn’t ask for anything better, except maybe a legitimate commitment. The problem was he made it easy for me to be real and I didn’t want to lose that person in my life.

I enjoyed the moments we spent together, but the problem was they were only moments. He knew I wanted more than what he was giving. He warned me that his situation wasn’t going to change, but as you’ve read, I stupidly stuck around.

As much as I love him, for my own sanity and heartache, I wished I realized sooner that the chances of being his star player were slim to none.

If you’re a bench warmer and haven’t admitted it to yourself, what in the world are you waiting for? If you’re worried about the pain, the truth is I can promise you that it’s going to severely hurt. Whether it’s just the beginning, or you’ve already committed your whole heart, get up now.

There is absolutely nothing appealing about this situation. No matter how you feel about the orchestrator of the game, if they are keeping you on the bench, then obviously they aren’t worth your commitment.

For some strange, twisted reason being a bench warmer was my definition of happiness for so long. I hope it won’t be yours.

People say I have a hard time letting things, especially people, go. I tend to hold onto them long past their expiration date and make excuses for why I do it.
I’ve kept every Barbie from my childhood. I still have the lipstick I wore when I had my first kiss and I have every ticket stub from the ‘N Sync concerts I went to.

Some say it’s good I have kept all these things because when I get older they’ll remind me of happy memories from a lifetime ago.

But what can I say about holding onto my ex-boyfriend for over a year now? Am I holding onto the happy memories that caused us to break up three times?

It’s completely ridiculous why I’ve continued having him in my life. I make excuses to myself that I can never let him go because he was my first love, my first everything, but at the end of the day isn’t an ex an ex for a reason?

If I really wanted to be with him, wouldn’t he be my current significant other instead of the former? These are questions that not only my friends have asked me, but that I’ve posed to friends who can’t seem to let go of that one boyfriend or girlfriend from the past that still continue to spark even the smallest of flames after all this time.

Now I can’t speak for you, or for my friends for that matter, but I can speak for myself. Deep down I know the true, outrageous reason as to why I kept going back to him after each break up and why I still have him in my life even after we made our relationship null and void.

My former significant other Eric (Yes that’s his real name.) and I met when we were young, idealic high school kids back in 2004. I was mesmerized from the moment I saw him and he told me on our first date he was going to marry me.

Looking back at the evolution of our relationship, I laugh when I think about that now.

Within a month I was fed up with his irrational way of thinking, over-dramatized attitude and high demands. I knew I deserved better so I cut him loose and blocked him on AIM.
A year later when I started college we rekindled our romance until he once again became too much for me to handle and I had to end things again.

A few months went by and I felt, being in a different place in my life, I was ready to give it another try. Six months went by until a couple days before Christmas 2006 I decided to go over to his place and have one last go of it to see if there were any feelings left. To spare you the sordid details (Wouldn’t you want to know), I quickly reached for my phone after it was over and texted my best friend that I had zoned out half way through it.

I quickly got my things and walked out of his place asking him to never call me again because we were over for good. He said I would be back. I told him to suck it.
I proved him wrong for a year and a half until one fateful day in June 2008 I got an instant message from a familiar screen name.

“No!” I exclaimed

Like a complete idiot, I responded to the message. Before I knew it I was promising to see him because he told me he was moving to Costa Rica. I thought there wouldn’t be anything wrong with hanging out with him his last weeks in the states, because after all, he would be leaving.

Once he left, I thought I was finally rid of his toxic vibes. Like my best friend predicted, only two months after he left, I received an instant message on my phone from the same familiar screen name.

“Are you freaking kidding me?”

Just like a bad dream, I found myself falling back into the same pattern. Truth be told, after our final break up in Christmas 2006 I never had the strong romantic feelings for him that I once possessed. What I did have was this desire to hold onto something familiar. The Jiminy Cricket in me likes to say I kept going back to him because I was scared to let go and pursue the unknown instead.

In between the times we were broken up I dated other men, but it would never develop into anything serious. It was easier for me to go back to Eric because I didn’t have to make an effort with him.

The fact is I’m not doing any good to myself by keeping my ex around and neither are you. Our exes aren’t the same people they were when we first got with them, so naturally that’s why we don’t want to be in a relationship with them.

Then why do we still keep them around? To torture ourselves? We need to remind ourselves that even though our ex is familiar territory, they should be blocked off from our hearts. They will never go back to being the person they were in the beginning. That person is gone. What you have before you is a product of the chaos, heartache, and of course, the break up.

I’ve said this a thousand times to others and I’m saying it to you now. Move on! There’s nothing worth holding onto! If there was wouldn’t you be with them? I ask myself that all the time, but obviously I haven’t completely convinced myself of the truth yet.

It’s all a work in progress. It took all the energy in the world to never let my heart fall for him again and it’s going to take the same to cut him out of my life. After all, he was once a major part of my life and my heart, just like your ex was for you. But the time has come to think about ourselves for a change and do what’s good for us, not what we want. Strange concept, but let’s embrace it.

As you may already have noticed from the header next to the headline, today is not your typical Thursday. In fact, every Thursday from here on out will be focusing on the whole complicated world of relationships.

I am aware that an Editor’s Note was published in last week’s edition stating that the Daily Sundial editorial staff will stand by the sex column, and that’s not to say we have neglected it.

After countless conversations after the note was published, I, the Life & Style assignment editor, have decided to publish the Sex Talk Column strictly online from now on.
With this decision, we feel the placement of the column will allow there to be a more open discussion on issues and subjects many people are not comfortable yet with reading in print.

That being said, our newly revamped Thursday column will feature everything you could possibly think of when the word relationship enters your mind: Is it right for me? Can I get away with dating two people at once? What if I fall for their best friend? Is a casual sex situation considered a relationship? (You didn’t think we were going to get rid of everything sex related, did you?)

When pondering what subject to tackle for the first installment, I looked into my own colorful dating history to decide which story to entertain you all with today. A subject that has plagued me for all of my adult life is dating outside my race. Throughout my four years in college, I’ve learned that this stigma that was very present in my parents’ generation is unfortunately still around today.

Disclosure: I am a pure blooded Armenian woman with MAJOR issues with the way I was raised. Sorry mom and dad, I know you meant well, but you kind of screwed me over.
When I was 5 years old my parents decided to enroll me in a local Armenian private school so I could learn about my heritage, language and culture. They never intended for me to stay past fourth grade, but one thing led to another and I wound up staying through high school.

Now my school didn’t make it a requirement for all students to be of Armenian descent, but when prospective students found out they had to take the language courses, they didn’t give the school a second thought. With the exception of my half-Filipino, half-Armenian friend, the only other race I was exposed to was my white male, Irish Catholic English teacher.

In the process, I was only exposed to Armenian men. At a young age I was told by my parents it was wrong to date outside of my race, and if I ever did, it would be completely unacceptable. The teachers at my school only reinforced this idea.

If I had a dollar for every time I was told by my teachers I was supposed to date and marry an Armenian man I could create my own Stepford Armenian husband.
By the age of 13 I realized my parents weren’t going to budge, so I tried to make do with the limitations they set for me. I started crushing on the guys in my class, but it would only last a day.

For the sake of limited space in the paper, it was because they were boring, boring, unnecessarily arrogant and boring.
Half way through high school I caved and got into a relationship with an Armenian guy that wasn’t from my school, but my willingness to put up with his demands ended before we hit our one-month anniversary. I quickly learned, that even in platonic relationships, my personality didn’t mesh with those of Armenian men.

Fast forward to my first semester of college and I was finally exposed to the men I had been unjustly kept from.

As my best friend puts it, I went on a dating spree. I enjoyed the company of Italian-Jewish, Irish and Latino men. I was in love with the fact I was no longer in a strictly Armenian population and I had the freedom to date whom I wanted.

But allow me to make a slight correction. Even though I was a legal adult and capable of making my own decisions, my parents had still not opened their minds to the idea of their daughter bringing home a non-Armenian man to meet them.

The stigma of dating outside your race, which I later learned was an issue in most cultures, had not only penetrated my household, but my Armenian community. When talking to people from my generation, they would always interpret an Armenian guy or girl dating a person of any other race as “something wrong.” I always felt like an outsider, constantly refuting their statements and insisting there is absolutely nothing wrong with stepping out of our Armenian bubble.

The fact of the matter is at the end of the day we’re all human. I do understand it could be easier to date within your own race because you will then avoid any problems from parents or cultural clashes. But I must furthermore insist that by limiting yourself to one small group of individuals, you are in turn limiting yourself to the possibility of falling in love with someone you want, as opposed to someone your parents want.

As I end the first installment of today’s column, I ask everyone reading this to break away from the stigma our society and the preceding one has set for us. You should not have any limitations when it comes to matters of the heart. What service are we doing to our society as a whole if in the 21st century we are still looking down on two people of different races dating each other?