I am graduating this semester and I thought I would not feel right about leaving without thanking a few people. First, I would like to thank president Koester for doing everything she could to alleviate our parking issues for this semester. There is no difference between this semester and past semesters. In fact, when I get to school in the morning, there are so many spaces available that it takes me 45 minutes to pick a parking spot because I don’t know which one to pick. It took me three times to pass math 093, but I am pretty sure those 5 or 6 dozen parking spots that were opened up close to the B5 parking structure must somehow be equal to the thousand or so parking spots that were cleared to make way for the G3 new parking structure.
I also want to thank our dedicated parking enforcement officials. On a Sunday, during winter break, in the rain, I saw this lady give someone a parking ticket. Had she not done her job, I don’t know where I would have parked with those three cars that were blocking all those spaces in the parking lot.
While I am at it, I want to thank our law enforcement officials. I saw this police officer handcuff a student for a heinous crime. I don’t know if you ever heard of it. It is called “skateboarding” and all these kids are doing it. I am glad the officer enforced the law. We can’t be having that at this school. We are finally important again. We have major presidential candidates giving speeches to dozens of people. I mean who cares if cars are stolen or broken into on a daily basis. We are about this close to a recession. Those thieves can liquidate what they steal and spend that money. It will definitely improve the economy.
The other people I wanted to thank are the folks that smoke right underneath the “no smoking” signs at Arbor Grill and the Courtyard. Not only are you rebels, but this past month, we get the news that your healthcare costs are around $90,000 less than a healthy person because you won’t live as long. Your country salutes you for the sacrifices you make every day.
The last person I want to thank is the architect that designed the Arbor Grill outdoor structure. It is really nice to get partial coverage from the rain and sunlight with those huge gaps in between the horizontal beams. People are going to copy your design everywhere. Just watch.
-Name withheld upon request