Relationships Happen: Starting over isn’t for everyone
Relationships are complicated and difficult, sometimes messy. The worst is when someone is asked to “start over.” But what exactly does that mean?
Theatre major Samantha Schwartz, 21, says, “I think people ask to start over because they want to believe everything will work itself out and that their problems won’t follow them.”
Starting over can be good; you have a clean slate and can work out the things that didn’t work the first time around. Be thankful that you are even getting a second chance because sometimes you won’t. In order to successfully start over, you need to reapply the trust that was lost and regain the spark that first made the relationship worth fighting for.
Sometimes it is hard to walk away from a relationship when you are so comfortable or head over heals in love with someone. But most of the time, it is healthier to just walk away than to stay in a relationship that is not good. This is easier said than done.
I know first hand that it is extremely difficult to get back into the way that things were once the relationship has been broken and you have tried to move on.
I was in a relationship that was on and off so often that is was difficult to actually be IN the relationship because I never knew if it was solid or not. Once I got comfortable again, I would start to worry about when it would end again.
I accepted “starting over” because I didn’t want to loose the person I was with, but it was not healthy and I was not truly happy. I could not help but think about the past and play those events over and over again in my mind. I was still hurt from what had happened before we had broken up. There was no trust in the relationship and in order for a relationship to work, there has to be trust-from both sides.
In order to truly “start over,” both of you need to make the commitment to start over. You both need to know it is not going to be so easy but if you want things the way they were, then both of you will be up to the challenge. First, you need to forgive one another and forget the bad things of the past. This can be really hard, but if you want it to work out, then this is the first thing that you both need to do to gain back that trust.
Psychiatrist and author Frank Pittman, who wrote the article ‘Beyond Betrayal: Life After Infidelity’ says, “Men are just as forgiving as women of their mates’ affairs. They might claim ahead of time that they would never tolerate it, but when push comes to shove, cuckolded men are every bit as likely as cuckolded women to fight like tigers to hold on to a relationship that has been betrayed.”
Derya Hill, 23, deaf studies, says that is all about the situation that you are in.
“If one or both of the partners have cheated then I don’t think its possible to start over.”
Hill thinks that you can forgive and forget; that you can learn from the mistakes that you have made.
“If problems haven’t gone past the point of no return, a couple should be able to learn from that and move forward if they are willing to”, she says.
Starting over can be hard, especially if one or both of you have been hurt. Talking about what happened in the past and what you both need to improve on in order to make one another happy is how the relationship can improve.
Pittman says, “relationships can survive either a man’s infidelity or a women’s, if it is stopped, brought into the open, and dealt with.”
This is what went wrong with my last relationship. Every time we had a “break”, we never talked about what happened or how we were feeling once we started seeing each other again.
If you do not talk about your feelings or what went wrong in the past, then the relationship will not grow.
“It all depends on the two people in the relationship”, says Schwartz. “ They have to be on the same page about things. This means that they each need to put the past behind them and give everything they can give to one another. “
Schwartz, much like myself, was in a relationship where there were ups and downs and she was asked to “start over.”
“One day, after several months of wanting him back, he asked if we could start over. It was interesting to me because this was all I had wanted for such a long time. Surprisingly, I declined,” she said.
Though she declined, she took the time to think about it and changed her mind. At first she “figured that this would have been a bad idea and [I] was better off alone” but then she wanted to try again.
“I changed my mind a week later or so by giving us another chance. I’m sad to say it didn’t work out.”
That is sometimes how it goes, though. You try and it doesn’t work. This is why you should really think before going back into a relationship.