Flying deathtrap
The FAA says you have a choice:  You can live in the past like your grandmother and fly in planes that feature emergency oxygen tanks in lavatories, though they could be used as bombs by extremists to take down airplanes.
Or you can take the jaunty new, extreme sport approach to flying: No oxygen in lavatories, gambling that you may one day feel the rush of rapid decompression and frantically do the penguin down the aisle of a diving aircraft with your pants around your ankles in a race against blacking out and the charging snack cart, bumping the drink-hand elbows of other cheering, forward-thinking flight enthusiasts and bowling over panicked children whose parents did not secure their masks before attempting to help others.
Just kidding, you don’t have a choice.  Unbuckle up.
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Epidemic
Yet another female teacher has been caught giving the business to one of her students. A biology teacher in Louisville, Kentucky was arrested by police when she was found in a parked car with a 17-year-old student.
I’m certain this has happened as long as there have been teachers and students, but what cultural phenomenon or societal shift occurred in the last decade or so to ratchet up the sheer number of teacher/student sex cases to a fever pitch?  There seems to be one every month.
And with those kinds of odds, where were these super hot, young, available female teachers when I was in high school? My spectrum of teachers ranged between tolerable, frumpy and God damn it.  I didn’t even have any hot male teachers.
I think.
Hell, not even my friends displayed common courtesy by having hot moms. I had to make due with other 17-year-olds, which sounds cool now, I know.  But biology teacher, man…
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Teen’s survival sends the wrong message
In what was both terribly irresponsible and awesome at the same time, a 17-year-old honors student didn’t have sex with his totally hot teacher.
If you haven’t left in disgust, know that his Humanities class looked on as he leaped from the Golden Gate Bridge and plunged 220 feet into the chilly San Francisco Bay, hopefully pulling off at least one grab or something on the way down.
Some witnesses described watching the event as “traumatic.”  Hush up, you ninnies.  He did all the heavy lifting and survived with a trifling torn lung and a broken tail bone, get over it.
Authorities said 99 percent of people who attempt this don’t survive and the previous 98.9 percent probably didn’t do it to look cool, but this could start a dangerous trend. If his teacher didn’t want to sleep with him before, this should be a lock.
Disclaimer: Don’t be an a-hole and try this, you aren’t 0.1 percent.
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Aunt Jemima treatment
From the ongoing files of you can’t do anything anymore, a 50-year-old Ottawa firefighter was sentenced to 12 months of probation for the “not intentional but negligent” act of scorching his ex-girlfriend’s bottom with a spatula.
Canada is officially out of problems if drinking and goofing off while presumably half-naked then accidentally singeing your ex’s butt when she bends herself over of her own free will in the privacy of your home gets you probation.
To be fair, it was his second time in front of a judge, the previous offense being “uttering threats.” Ottawa prosecutors were unwilling to comment but reliable sources have cited “I’m gonna butter your griddle” and “my sausage gravy is lumpy” as examples.
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Fried or fertilized?
I was going to wrap with a totally related story about the correlation between skipping breakfast and starting sex earlier among teens in Japan but I saw this instead: A company called Backyard Brains figured out how to attach all sorts of electronic do dads to a cockroach’s brain and essentially drive it around like a remote control car.
What the hell do you do with this, you ask? You attach these do dads to a big effing spider, wait until someone you kind of care for but could probably live without visits the restroom.  When everything is still, you drive that little fella out into plain sight and just park it.
If you’ve ever in your life sat through an intense standoff of this caliber, you know your mother could be getting robbed in the next room but you wouldn’t think of making a move for the T.P.
Rob the person blind.