CSUN’s crime blotter: love, pain and stolen turtles

(Sundial Illustration/ Thomas Gallegos)

Last week was a good week for utter decadence and debauchery, but there was one crime that really hurt the heart. It’s buried deep, like all bad wounds are. But let’s not get all Drake about it. Now, here’s the crime log.

Alcohol/Drug Violations:

For some reason, officials decided to report 10 drug and booze violations on St. Patrick’s Day.

There is no worse way to ruin a national decadent holiday by serving them a citation for something that happened two months ago — not sure what the bigger crime is?

Assault:

So if you’re not Beyonce, Solange and Jay Z, you can not commit spousal abuse, or “significant-other abuse,” or “sister’s boyfriend assault” and expect to get away with it.

The person who assaulted their ex last Saturday near parking lot F10, learned this the hard way. They were arrested for injuring their former significant other and transported to the Van Nuys jail.

If you love someone, then hitting them is not a good way to show that. Stop doing it.

Car Crimes:

Stop Justin Biebering people by running off after you hit their car. Own up and take responsibility for your actions.

There was…Counterfeit:

It would be really cool if you could just print money out of your little desktop machine at home and just get by on how much ink you could acquire. But you can’t, because it’s a crime.

Someone passed off a dirty bill in the Sierra Center Thursday and got away with it. Police are still looking for the person.

Theft Crimes:

Someone stole a poor defenseless turtle out of the Orange Grove Pond Thursday and fled eastbound on Nordhoff Street.

This is a serious crime people. What kind of monster would take one of those chill little turtles out of their habitat?

This is so bad it calls for people to actually get up and go vote in the upcoming Associated Students Elections and ask, “What are you going to do to secure our campus’s turtle population? Will you deploy the Matador Patrol to safely watch over our turtle and duck friends? Or will you give them secret ooze so they can transform into badass, pizza-eating ninja form?” Something needs to be done about this travesty.

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In all, there was 10 theft cases filed last week at CSUN. Most of them were bicycle thefts. The lesson: don’t ride bicycles to school.It will get stolen because they robbin’ urybuddy up in here. Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ bikes.

Consensus:

Dude, stealing a damn turtle from the pond is really hard to get over. Don’t do that again, people! #Iliketurtles

For an untainted view of the crime on campus, visit http://www.csun.edu/police

-Sundial Staff