CSUN’s crime blotter: vehicular theft and more swearing (with some nudity)

So last week, CSUN did a lot more dirty deeds and made for a way more interesting crime report.

There’s too much crazy crap to sum up, so just read it and learn about all the ratchet-ass shenanigans that make it shameful to attend this particular California State University.

Alcohol/Theft Violations:

Great, CSUN kids are back to blazin’ and getting faded. In their defense, it is midterms and sometimes those are just as awful as finals – especially when a professor assigns a single class two of them.

Everyone has a stoner friend that insists on walking around reeking of the dankest hippie lettuce known to mankind – that person is also probably the dumbest friend as well.

Two dudes got in trouble for that same thing last week, one at the University Park Apartments building four Saturday and the other at UPA building five last Sunday. That’s a downer, bra’.

One resident was referred for a drug-law violation late last Friday at UPA building 15. No specifics were given. Four others were also busted at the UPA building eight on Tuesday for an equally undescriptive offense.

Five others were arrested last Monday for doing drugs in the UPA building 7. Look, if you’re going to do drugs and get busted, do it in a way that is way more fun to write about.

Twelve people in all were arrested for drugs last week.

Others, who weren’t blazin’ it, or snortin’ it, or shootin’, but just good ol’ fashion downing it, got busted throughout the week.

If you never heard the phrase, “things will come back to bite you in the ass,” then consider this your warning.

An un-magnificient seven got busted Friday in UPA building 17 for boozin’ it up back in February when they shouldn’t have.

In total, 11 people were busted for drinking last week.

Battery:

Keep your hands to yourself. This is kindergarten 101 folks.

A victim was grabbed while coming out of one of the study rooms in the Oviatt last Saturday. It was reported March 2.

Burglary/Theft:

Stop stealing from people. It’s ratchet and no one will want to be your friend.

Speaking of ratchet, two locks were stolen, one Saturday near UPA building 15 and one Friday near parking lot G8, off the location they were on. You need to be more safe … with your safety equipment?

Another person had their bike stolen even though it was secured with a cable lock near Eucalyptus Hall last Wednesday.

If it’s not your bike, then it’s something else at CSUN.

An asshole stole someone’s wallet Thursday out of the victim’s bag in Sierra Hall. Seriously, what is wrong with people?

Car Crimes:

This one might be the ratchetess thing of the week, besides the Sundial using ratchet a lot. A victim got his shoes stolen out of his car because the top of it had missing parts that allowed access to it last Tuesday.

People really need to stop hitting people or their property with their car and then running away.

Someone hit the driver’s side of someone’s car Friday in parking structure B3 and then fled the scene. They have not been caught. Feel good about yourself?

Another class act rear-ended someone early last week in parking lot G7 and then fled the scene of the crime. Do you, too, feel good about yourself for not getting caught … yet?

This next one takes the cake. Someone collided with three cars near Lindley Avenue and Halsted Street last Tuesday. Maybe they were trying to compete with that old man in Wisconsin who collided with a million cars while backing out of a Piggly Wiggly parking lot.

Concealed Firearm:

Someone was lurking near Zelzah Avenue and Lassen Street last Tuesday night when he was spotted. That person was never found.

Look, if you do choose to own a firearm you must first do it within the law and operate it within what the law permits. You got to treat your gun like your pee-pee/foo-foo and keep it in their appropriate holster. You can’t go waving it around public like it’s a big, foam finger. Which brings us to our next crime…

Indecent Exposure:

So keeping your pee-pee or your foo-foo in your pants, is also kindergarten 101.

Some guy was having a wiz near the University Village Apartment in broad daylight last Wednesday until someone saw him and called the cops.

Look, you got to keep your penis/vagina in your pants. You got to treat it like a loaded firearm. You can’t just got waving it around in public like, once again, it’s a big, foam finger. It’s going to scare the hell out of people. It’s dangerous too. Keep it in its holster.

Offensive Words:

Ya’ll need to stop fucking cursing at people. It’s offensive and tacky.

Last Tuesday, someone jumped the fence near UPA building 5 and said a whole lot of awful something to someone attempting to stop them while they climbed.

Seriously dude, what the hell is wrong with? Don’t scream a bunch of drivel at people. We’ve been over this.

Vandalism:

Writing graffiti is stupid. Stop doing it. Yes you, Mr. writes-on-construction-tarp. What you did last week near parking lot F10 was lame.

The same goes for the tool that used black spray paint to scribble some something on a light pole near the soccer field last Tuesday. No one cares, stop doing it.

Consensus:

Ya’ll were too ratchet last week. I guess you were just making up for the previous one and trying to drop it like it was the hottest album of 2015. It wasn’t that good but it was better than anything Drake will ever produce.

For an untainted view of all the down and dirty on campus, visit the CSUN PD website at www.csun.edu/police