The Common Issue: I got 99 problems and they’re all drunk texts

At one point or another, most of us have hit a point in our life where we’re a few drinks in and suddenly decide that texting the one person that we’ve tried so hard to not be a hot mess in front of, would actually be the best idea ever.

You will text them a paragraph about your feelings and ideas about your life, their life, maybe even your future life together, only to wake up in the morning and want to die.

Nine out of ten times I have made some of the biggest mistakes of my romantic life text messaging when drunk. Granted, yes, one time did work out, but if you’re willing to take a chance on something that only works ten percent of the time, then remind me to never bring you with me be because even with two of us, we would only have a 20 percent chance of wining at anything. If I’m doing my math right, I’m pretty sure that would equal losing all of the money to my name and ending up with an empty tank of gas in the middle of the desert.

Drunk texts are a lot like that— they leave you with an empty heart when you’re alone in your room reading what you said the night before.

For more stories about intoxicated text messaging, check out this week’s Mr. and Ms. Monday podcast at: http://sundial.csun.edu/2015/03/mr-mrs-monday-episode-7-drunk-love/.

Over the years I have learned that there are a few different kinds of drunk texters.

For starters there’s “the rambler.” This person typically goes on tangents about things that don’t really make sense but somehow come into full circle—

“You know what, I really like you even though I don’t even know you.
It’s kind of like a movie where two people like each other and then they fall in love.
I think I’d cast myself as Blake Lively.
But maybe not because shes so good looking and I mean, she just had a baby.
And her husband is so hot.
I cant believe they’re married.
I wonder what their house looks like now because she has that new website.
Maybe she could promote our movie on it.
But we wont have a movie yet because I don’t even know you, but I really like you.”

“The angry dunk” would be next—

Now to refrain myself from the amount of asterisks I’d have to use to write out an example, I’ll just say that when it comes to The Angry Drunk texter there is a balls-to-the-wall kind of attitude, where you will destroy any hope or dream your target has.

In my experience, this is typically geared to an ex.

Then there is “the sad drunk.” The person that suddenly realized their life is over because you’re not in it—

“I miss you in my life.

I don’t understand why you left me.

Why cant we just go back to how things used to be when we were happy?”

And lastly there is “the incoherent drunk,” where whatever it is that they send seems to be in some kind of code or secret language, and you don’t know if they’re alive or have been abducted by aliens. It usually looks something like this:

“I arm testing u sat he fluter gater is broked.”

What they meant to say is: “I am telling you the water heater is broken.”

Personally I’m a mix between all of them. Just depends on who the person is for the night. But regardless of how you categorize yourself, drunk texting never really gets you where you want to go. Your points are clouded and your judgement is off, and no one will understand where you’re coming from.

The only people who will ignore your get drunk text messages—your best friends and your siblings, but other than that, lock that phone up and throw away the key.

Drunk words may be sober thoughts, but remember that in-person conversations can end and be forgotten. While drunk texts can live on forever. Nobody wants to see a screenshot of what they said last night, 20 years from now.