Mom vs. College: Feeling Defeated

woman and baby happily pose for selfie

I’m a toddler mom. With that comes so many joys, as well as so many downs.

Ever since I had my son all I do is work to make sure that he never needs for anything. Sometimes that means working longer hours than I would like to. It also means that I don’t have a lot of free time to spend with him.

I share custody of my son with his dad. I have him two days during the week and every other weekend including Friday.

My weeks lately have looked a lot like nine to 10-hour shifts, plus school during the week. I have class in the morning and I work right after. I have one day off per week and it’s usually not the day I have with my son.

So I know you’ve heard the saying “terrible twos.” Well, it’s a thing, and let me tell you when they turn three, it only gets worse.

My son throws crazy tantrums no matter where we are. He throws himself on the ground. He yells, he screams, and hits. It’s terrible.

He’s gotten to the point where he’s unresponsive to my discipline. He’ll listen to his dad and other male figures in his life, he even listens to his grandparents. However, when it comes to mommy, he just doesn’t take me seriously.

One day last week, I took him out with one of my friends and her daughter, and he continued in his ways. He was throwing things and pouring drinks all over the table. She asked me why he doesn’t listen to me. My first instinct was to say I didn’t know, but then it dawned on me.

I said, “I’m around enough for him to know that I’m mommy, but not enough for him to take me seriously.”

It broke my heart to say but I knew it was the truth. I’m never around, and not because I don’t want to be, but because I have to be away now in order to be around later.

I know I talk a lot about how exhausting life is but I feel that it’s just because I try to balance so much. I take on more than I can handle.

To my fellow mama bears out there, have you ever felt that you were failing at motherhood? Have you ever felt defeated? Like no matter how hard you try, you’re just not doing good enough? You see all these mothers slaying motherhood and making it look easy. Yet, here you are just trying to make ends meet.

I do, all the time. I feel like my son deserves more than the mother that I’m being right now. He deserves more of my time, but how? I can’t work less hours – I have to keep a roof over our head and bills to pay. I can’t just stop going to school – I have one month left. I keep telling myself that I’m doing what’s best for us and for our future, but I don’t know if I believe that.

I just pray that he understands one day that I’m sacrificing our time together now, so that we have more time together later.

If you’re a mom reading this and can relate, just know you’re not alone. We’re all doing the best that we can.

We’re allowed to cry, but we’re not allowed to give up. We have little humans watching us. They have to believe that they can do anything they put their minds to. We have to teach them that. We have to show them that. It’s up to us to set the example.

They know we love them, even if we don’t get to spend the time with them that we would like to right now. We will get that time. It will all be worth it.

Tell them you love them a million times a day, no matter how old they are.

Our children are the future mamas. Let’s make the future bright.