I hate to put a damper on the whole Sex Issue, but in the interest of human civilization, I must. My message will no doubt be unpalatable to the many people who pick up this issue and will be received with the same cheer and goodwill as a slap with a cold, wet towel to the face. Yes it is difficult to speak truth to power, but ultimately it sells newspapers and can be parenthetically good for you.
I think we can all agree that college is a wonderful place. The parties are great, the people are beautiful and intelligent and we occasionally learn something. This combination of parties, personal chemistry and late night “study sessions” all make for a potent mix that naturally leads to close personal interactions.
For those of you who couldn’t read that last paragraph because it was obscured by a pile of empty Trojan packages, I will sum it up for you: people here have sex. They engage in practices that would make a Puritan minister suffer from seizures should he witness them, and that’s just what goes on in the front of the Oviatt Library.
Yet all of this sex is not necessarily good. In fact, there are many hazards that accrue from having sex.
Let’s start with sexually transmitted diseases. The chaste person does not have to worry about contracting all sorts of uncomfortable diseases that require you to visit a physician and expose your nether regions to him for examination. You certainly don’t want a relative stranger with cold fingers poking around down there in a very un-sensual way. This is not to mention having to smear anti-microbial cream in those same regions. Very unpleasant.
Sex also unnecessarily complicates relationships. While there are those rare individuals who can have sex with just about anyone and not mind if they don’t know their partner’s name, most people tend to become emotionally attached after having sex. They wonder if they’re really “loved” or if they’re just being “used” and demand that you return their phone calls. If you’re one of the “using” types, then this becomes especially complicated if hazard number three rears its squalling head.
Sex has a certain biological function and no matter how many rubber devices we employ, the inevitable is bound to happen. Statistically speaking, if you have enough sex, babies will follow.
At this point, you have few options. You can become a responsible parent and raise your brood into strong healthy members of society. If you’re the party–and–orgy type, I doubt this is a viable option.
The alternative is to spend a life on the run from law enforcement and collection agencies hell bent on collecting child support payments from you. You will need to constantly change names and sleep in abandoned construction sites, forever renouncing hearth and home for a life on the lam.
So avoid all of these pitfalls of perversity, dear reader, and avoid having sex. Everyone who follows these sagacious words of wisdom will benefit. Except for the pharmacists and family law attorneys. They kind of get it in the shorts.
Sean Paroski can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.