Tis the season to be rejected. No, this is not a relationship piece where I tell you the best way to handle a rejection by that perfect someone. Rather, I am here to inform the many graduating seniors that internship and job rejections are part of their depressing realities.
I have received many of these condescending internship rejections in the past few months, and decided to take this matter into my own hands. So what did I do? I decided to write a response letter back to every single last one of these newspapers that so kindly informed me I was not who they were looking for.
Here is what I sent them:
Dear managing editor of the unattainable, holy newspaper:
I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in rejecting me for the summer internship at your newspaper.
Each year, I get dozens of rejections from some of the top newspapers across the country, and it is difficult to limit my list of rejections I will accept down to just 10. I have been highly impressed with the caliber of the rejection letters I have received, but I regret to inform you that I will not accept your rejection.
One of the major contributing factors in my decision process on whether or not to allow you to reject me is whether your organization is one of the nation’s top newspapers. I am extremely proud of my reputation and history as a longtime reject, and only take rejections from the highest quality papers.
Rejection is often part of the profession, and though you were not chosen as a recipient of my rejection acceptance, I encourage you to reject me again next year. With a lot of hard work, you have the potential of receiving my acknowledgement of the rejection. Hang in there. Giving rejections is not easy, but eventually you will succeed. It’s worth it.
Though I am sure you know I respect each and every newspaper that rejects me, I thought I would show that respect by sending everyone a form letter. Though I know you probably spent hours working long and hard on your rejection letter to me, I thought I would write something up in about five minutes that has no personalization whatsoever to inform you that you do not meet my rejection standards.
I will be placing your rejection on my waiting list, and I will keep your information active in my file so that you can hold onto some hope that will never see the light of day.
Keep in touch and let me know further down the road how you can better meet my needs.
I am confident you will find other opportunities to be accepted as a quality rejecter. Keep up the good work, and best of luck in the coming year.
The reject you always wanted
Well, perhaps this was an immature step at dealing with the humiliating rejections I have received, including rejections printed on postcards so that the whole world can see my poor, pathetic life drifting down the toilet bowl. Or the rejection from a small-town paper in the middle of nowhere that has the audacity to tell me the school I attend is more important in their decision-making process than my talent as a journalist.
At least at this point, my pessimism can bring humor to a stressful and depressive time. But don’t worry, my fellow job hunters, as the piles of rejection letters on my desk tell me, if you are willing to work hard, you will not be disappointed.
Whatever that means.