Story by Gabriela Almendarez
Master the look.
There is no right way to master the look, you either have it or you don’t. There are also
different types of looks. You do not want to go for a look that is welcoming, you want to be as detached as you could possibly be. That being said, try standing in front of a mirror looking at yourself straight in the eyes. You are trying to go for a fuck-you-and-your-mom look. If you fail staring into your eyes for more than one minute, you cannot possibly master the look with other people. You need to be an asshole to yourself. After you look at yourself intently, square your shoulders and raise your head. Body language is important.
Your lips must always be sealed shut. In a straight line. Never let anyone see you smile. Specially not after you were cheated on. They will think that you moved on after two weeks. Things are not that simple. You don’t want to move on, you want to stay mad, or sad, or crazy. If you move on, you acknowledge that everything was real and that it wasn’t made up like you have yourself believing.
For you, it is easier to just master the don’t-ask-me-a-question-or-I-will-beat-you-up look than it is to actually answer questions. If you answer any questions, everyone will know what you are feeling and thinking and they will pity you —not like they don’t already. Just stay gloomy and look at people with your sharp looking eyes. Look at them with your fuck-you-and- your-mom.
Walk with confidence.
Pop your shoulders or stretch them, or whatever it is called. Make sure you take long strides when walking. Each step should elicit confidence. If your butt moves too much, good,
you have a butt. If you don’t have a butt, it’s fine, shaking your hips will give the illusion that you do and that is just as fine, too. Don’t walk with your phone in your hand. If you do, people will think that you cannot put that darn phone down for a minute. They will think you are texting that damn person that cheated on you or that you are waiting for a call. Don’t do that.
Instead, put your phone away. Walk like the man in the business suit heading to his office on the ninth floor or walk like a woman on a runway. Whichever walk you choose make sure you’re walking with confidence and with the look on your face. If you forget the look, your walk is not going to be powerful.
Use big words.
Recollect the memory of all those English classes you took in high school and in college. Now would be a considerable time to use those words. Instead of saying LOL, say jocular. Say baffling instead of what the fuck or what the heck. Use pulchritudinous instead of beauty and recherche? instead of rare.
Be careful in whose vicinity you use your big college words as you might give the illusion of being an uptight, snobbish, asshole who does not care for any individual other than himself. For example, you can still be yourself around your mom —but not too much of yourself. If your neighbor asks about your day, then you can be an ass. Say you had a soporific day. Your neighbor might think you meant terrific but you will know better and your will laugh at your neighbor’s stupidity because your old caring self would never do so. You’re a new person, remember that.
Deactivate all social media.
The old you loved being active on social media so therefore the only logical choice is to delete every account under your name. You are known to stalk people on all social media so the only way to divorce your old self is to leave the digital world. Make sure you change your relationship status before you delete your Facebook status, it will give you more closure. You might feel like keeping your account for a little while to see if anyone will comment on your status change but you already know no one will. If anything, people will like your status and all you will be left wondering will be why someone will like that you are no longer in a relationship. Sure, it could mean that they like you but it could also mean that those people are happy, enjoying your pain in not being a part of a committed relationship.
The only rules that apply when being someone different than who you are is that you must be the total opposite. If you were a happy person, be a fastidious one. If you liked vanilla, like chocolate. If you wanted to be an astronomer, go to space.
Become a cosmonaut.
You must first get out of bed and take a shower. No one likes a dirty astronaut anyway. Make sure you floss, too. You usually skip this step but in order to be a cosmonaut make sure you don’t skip it. You must take the floss and actually bring it in between your teeth, none of that partial shit either. Get in there. Next, make sure to make your own coffee. If you buy it, try again the next day. If you don’t know how to make coffee, call your mom and ask her. The main point is you must drink coffee. All important people do. In the morning, drink coffee. During lunch, drink coffee. If you’re thirsty, drink coffee. Never break the cycle.
Make sure you have a pencil. Not a pen. You’re prone to make mistakes. You must also keep a journal with all your thoughts and research you do about becoming an astronaut. Make sure you keep a backup journal incase your cat destroys the first journal because you left it on the floor again. This is, of course, after you move to Russia to become someone you are not, i.e. a Russian astronaut.
Almendarez is a CSUN graduate student working on her Masters in English.
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