With the new semester freshness fading in the air, I find that patience has become my “bff” for these first few weeks. With all the lines curving a mile or so for food, books, parking permits and even to speak with a teacher in order to add a class, I have to hold as much patience as humanly possible.

But I’ve about lost it with certain student’s manic behavior in shoving, cramming and trying to make it to their class or car simply at the expense of others who are trying to do the same, but in a much more humanly manner.

So my fellow brothers and sisters of the valley, Uncle Sean here is going to lay some truth down for y’all. And the truth is: things have gotten so bad it’d have Stephanie Tanner screaming “how rude!” And that’s worse than listening to Bush try and speak?at all.

I should begin by stating that anyone who passes gas in the aforementioned vehicle will go to a dark and fiery place where they torture your private parts with pliers and make you listen to Celine Dion, forever. If you enjoy the smell of your own gas, by all means purchase a space suit, five bean-n-cheese burritos and float to the moon. Neither I, nor anyone I’ve ever known enjoys standing in your fart. Thank you.

Even worse than the gas ride is when waiting for an elevator to open and receive you, someone shoves their way through the persons getting off. Are you really that excited to ride the magical horse that takes you up and down with methodical vibration you can barely hold your innards? Or are you like the pig that shoved past me and another student (on crutches) who simply doesn’t care and needs to get to one’s destination. If you’re the latter (a pig) then by all means jog pass the slow people on the stairs. You know, those descending concrete placements a few feet from the elevator that no one uses? You can double your ETA by actually using your legs! Who would have thought?

Next, when you do get on, let us try and keep the cell phone convos to a minimum. I can personally say that I, along with four other people, did not wish to listen to another student’s rant about the lack of interest a certain boy had in her or her friend. I actually felt bad for the person on the other end. Especially when you have an inadequate vocabulary, you just sound like a complete moron wasting time at the university. Really though, as Grandma would say, hush up. You’re sharing space, not occupying an area that you have a right to. Chances are the guy or girl you’re talking with can take the call in a couple of seconds when you get off the elevator.

The same goes for you excited freshmen who wish to giggle and yell and scream and giggle for some strange reason while you go up or down. I’ll tell you what, Johnny-come-Freshly, try a drug or two and that ride will be great. But please, clamp the food hole when you’re sober.

Then there are those of you who wish to cram and use every inch and shove the person at the back of the elevator into a coma by squeezing yourself into the final available space that rests between the wall and the doors. Come on people, say it with me: “patience.” Waiting to get on, I as well as three other students stopped when we noticed a full elevator. We stepped back to wait, and watched as three more people jammed themselves and the other six deeper in. Enjoy the ride, tuna-squeezed scholars.? As the airtight squad lifted, our second elevator arrived welcoming the three patient souls and I to an enjoyable and breathable ride.

Now, I know for some of you this may be a difficult thing to grasp, but we’re all in this together. The pure communal attitude and sense of togetherness is just as expensive as anything else in this city. But it’s there: believe me it’s still floating somewhere between the smog and asphalt, ready for taking. With simple gestures like “excuse me” and “thank you” or “you go first, I’m young and have plenty of time before this life ends,” we can all inhabit a more peaceful existence. Even if it means sharing a tight metal space for a couple of moments with complete strangers that you’ll leave in no time soon. Sounds a lot like life, and you know something, it’s never too late to make the best of it.