A senior’s discount: Missing dorks

Sean Campe

Writing this, right now, as your eyes glide over and absorb my words: I’m drunk. Hammered, trashed, s**t faced, squashed, blitzed, tied on, tossed, and just down right bloody bashed. And I’m listening to m.i.a.’s Kala (a great album). It’s all easy, really: two beers and a glass of wine with dinner; then a glass of champagne and another half of beer to help chase the last of my cousin’s bottle of Jack Daniels. Which stood to about 6oz of a glass that included ice. So me: I’m drunk.

Now, reading this you say: “Pansy! Who you hey’n?! Drink up son! You gotta Earn,” and imagine it dashed with colorful expletives that we’ll save for your imagination.

The awesome answer to your buzzed question regarding my buzz and what the buzz is up with the fuzz is: I’m a nerd. That’s what’s up. Not a dork, which is actually a whale’s penis from what I’ve been told. There is a difference, mind you. The difference between a nerd and a dork is the simple and obvious explanation that nerds have style, brains and (sometimes) the third heat as well: talent. See also: Kevin Smith, Tina Fey, Quentin Tarantino, Seth Rogan, Natalie Portman, Leonard Maltin, Sam Spade, Howard Beale, Devon Hester, Spencer Huey, and perhaps even you for the simple fact you’re actually reading this [newspaper]. Cheers, sister or brother. Please also note, that these are references to film and lack the many listings of persons who’ve contributed to a lot of culture who are also nerds.

Nerds have weaknesses to interesting and sometimes mainstream music, as well as attractive any things and are usually always outside “the box,” which we “think out side of.” Dorks, ahem, are golden and rare nuggets of the awesome.

He had some type of trousers, a real classy pair: talk’n half a c-note, okay? The brown cloth ended about a heavy inch above his ankles and were wrapped tightly around just below the belly button. Plugged into his stereo ears were the pods pumping perhaps the elements of sound known or thought as: Radiohead, Rilo Kiley, or Richard Pryor preach’n something true. We’ll never know what it was he was listening to, the only thing I know is that he never looked up to see me waiting to give him a fat “good-day sir- you effin rock.” His shirt tucked in-top button undone-he popped his head slowly to the music. The only item missing was a pocket protector, but we should remember it was later than 9 p.m. and work was over for the day. To ask if he wore glasses would be redundant being that he’s a dork- which if I’m wrong, you image this being a negative thing. But again, excuse you, for the dork is of great necessity to our existence.

The dork, and for some time the nerd, have been prosecuted for quite some day now. Let us not forget “Revenge of the Nerds” and the numerous sequels, spin-offs and tragedies that befell mankind when the nerds were cast out of society only to have society itself crumble without the brains of that well oiled Apple DualCore stuffed and advanced machine. No, as Tyler Durden has proclaimed (and taught): “we are the people you depend on […].” The notion that the nerd is some sort of new fashion trend is nothing but an old clich’eacute;. And if you believe MTV then you should be questioning most of your teachings.

We’re not leaving and, ever since Michelangelo used math and science to help create modern art as we study it, we’ve been here. But I’m regressing, pardon my tangents, this is all too short, and drunk ideas such as these should never be cut. So, the dork is hereby put on the endangered species list, bless her or his heart. If seen any place throughout the greater Los Angeles area, please remember our early sensitivities and give them their room and if approached, encourage the social attitude because dollars to doughnuts they’ll know and own a greater form of mind than what (certainly, at least) I may never know. They are wicked f***’n awesome and should be treated as such. Enjoy your studies.