Becoming a new person, the person you were always meant to be, doesn’t stop at gender. It means your personality, your demeanor, your feelings.

I’ll be honest, when I was asked to contribute to this issue of the Sundial, I was surprised. I’m all for celebrating womanhood, especially my own, but mine is a femininity not often appreciated.

I came into this worried about being a model trans person, not wanting to be the person to tell you that being trans is difficult, even deadly. I’m sure you’ve heard it
before, and I don’t like dwelling on it.

But that’s the thing: There is no model trans woman, just like there is no model cis woman. Our types of femininity are as varied as cloudforms, as many as blades of grass.

My femininity is angry. Beautiful. Vengeful. Graceful.

The truth is, I try my best to be a kind person, but I have faced so much rage for my appearance and so much adversity for existing that I often feel the thing that keeps me going most is spite. I wish I could say I was trans and proud of it, but most of the time it feels like a burden.

There is one great part of being trans, and that is reinvention: When I chose my name, I chose every part of myself. Becoming a new person, the person you were always meant to be, doesn’t stop at gender. It means your personality, your demeanor, your feelings. It means that I can let that feminine anger go and find a new kind of feminine. One that I can be proud of and one that feels joyous. I can only hope that every woman finds that one day.