The Top Five: Salary, vanity, Jesus, sanity and libation

Britten Fay

Men do work harder… screw it, what’s on TV?

Tuesday was Equal Pay Day, an occasion birthed by feminists to shout at leaders about the discrepancy in pay between men and women for equal work.

In an article on the same day, safely androgynously-named writer for the Wall Street Journal, Carrie Lukas, outed this fabrication, saying women don’t want to work as hard as men anyway.

Amen, brother(?) Just putting this piece together each week really cuts into my video game time. I should be killing virtual zombies right now, letting my co-editor do most of the work like she usually does. And she won’t get paid unless I split the check with her.

High five, Carrie!

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Gaaaaaiiiinnns

Last month, a New Jersey woman awaited a jury’s verdict in her suit against a plastic surgeon because a procedure to fix bumps on her eyelids from a prior cosmetic surgery left her unable to fully close them.

On the upside, she’s a hit in new social situations because she appears perpetually attentive and surprised by strangers’ anecdotes. On the downside, she looks like she’d eat your brains if you wandered too close.

Now I do love zombies but I like them rotten and hungry, not living, married soccer moms.

But even after two doctors’ warnings, her vanity would not be denied. So now she looks like the living dead but with none of the awesome benefits, like not caring about appearances, needing gainful employment or having kids who can’t compete with you on Halloween.

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Memento

Speaking of the dead returning to life, a controversial filmmaker claims to have found the very nails used to crucify Christ on the cross.

This is the same guy who claims to have found the tomb Jesus was buried in and ultimately rose from. He does say he found the nails in the tomb of the Jewish priest Caiaphas, who, according to the bible, conducted Jesus’ trial.

Alright, not bad, though it doesn’t account for the creepiness of such a souvenir.

“I want to be buried with Christ’s death nails, Trent Reznor ain’t s4!t.”

“K.”

We might all have been swept away with rapturous fervor were it not for one cool-headed archeologist who said, hey I’ve found more nails in my tires, to which everyone relaxed and bought colored eggs and bunnies for insistent children only to release them two months later because eff a bunch of bunnies.

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The devil online

Pack your bags gentlemen, women in the UK are totally obsessed with porn. But be careful what you wish for.

Most seem to be watching it because they’re depressed, anxious, bored, lonely, concerned about the job market, the cat got out, her mom called, the cute boy didn’t, just need a numbness to escape their stress, you name it. And then of course they hate themselves for it.

Just need a numbness…

You ladies, I swear. First you vilify ice cream (“I can’t stop, it’s a vicious cycle!”) and now you’ve managed to turn porn all emo.

And we guys are the dopey ones, right? At least we can navigate our genitals without having a nervous breakdown.

Here’s how men figure it. The sun came up, better masturbate. Ok, that’s out of the way in record time so we can go on to drink beer and become super smart because:

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Booze makes better

A new study by the Waggoner Center for Alcohol and Addiction Research at the University of Texas at Austin proves beyond a shadow of a doubt because I say so that alcohol “primes certain areas of our brain to learn and remember better.”

The study found repeated exposure to ethanol in the brain actually makes your synapses work better, though unconsciously. So while you may not remember that attractive person’s name you met at the bar, subconsciously you’ll totally remember that you wanted to bang him/her because your brain was releasing more dopamine because you were having fun so you retain the experience.

This is the answer!

Am I saying college students already prone to binge drinking should now drink while they’re studying?

Damn rig… maybe, but you still shouldn’t drink and drive.