Angry squirrel demands respect, media coverage

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Originally Published February 28, 2006

Note from the editors: It is the usual policy of this newspaper to only publish letters written by human beings; this letter is an exception. ?In the interest of showing our dedication to publishing contrary opinions – and the relentless pressure put on this publication by the CSUN squirrel community – we present this critique of the Sundial to our loyal readers.

My name is Dinka, and I am a CSUN squirrel.

I reluctantly write this letter to protest the abysmal coverage of the squirrel community in that rag you call a newspaper. The right / left media elite’s prejudice against our kind is hard enough without our own local paper ignoring us. For the sake of brevity, I will shed light on only a few of the stories that you stooges have missed:

Where are the damn squirrel pictures? The Sundial used to barrage the readers with endless pictures of delightful squirrels in all states of repose. This is mating season and your photographers could easily get some jaw dropping pictures for your porn-hungry readers – you would think that this would be of great interest to the typical, degenerate reader of the Sundial.

Racial issues – As you probably don’t know there is a huge conflict between the California Gray squirrels and Fox squirrels. The Gray squirrels were here first, but now there are so many Fox squirrels it is nearly forgotten that the Grays are the ones who really belong here. I noticed that you have no coverage of that entirely honorable and highly esteemed squirrel civil rights group, Future for Unique Gray Kind Returning the Endangered and Disinherited Someday (FUGK REDS).

Dorms – Students have been throwing acorns to me and my fellow squirrels – acorns spiked with an unknown substance. I don’t know what they have been brewing, but some of our kind ate some and suddenly thought they were flying squirrels.

Fraternities – Let’s just say that squirrels and frat boys should not mix. What happened on the night of Dec. 4 will live in infamy in the CSUN squirrel community. Let’s just say it was a lot worse than the time when a raid by the SPCA found a dazed and traumatized three-legged goat in the jungle room of the Delta Tau Chi house after an initiation party a few years ago.

It goes on and on. Your complete lack of coverage makes me think that you don’t even glance at the CSUN award-winning, long-running squirrel publication, “News for the Furry Matador.” We demand coverage! If you people had b***s bigger than a baby squirrel you would put one of us on your staff. Why you….

Editor’s note: we have censored the rest of the letter; suffice to say that he questions our paternity and accuses us of being fascists and communists at the same time.

The Editors of this publication will consider the demands of Dinka, the CSUN Squirrel. To any other squirrels: please refrain from leaving droppings at the backdoor of our newsroom. As you might guess it’s a fire hazard. We get what you’re trying to say.