Conversation tips on not being an asinine moron

Hadley Hudson

Originally Published April 20, 2006

1. What I should have said. 2. What I said.

1. “I’m sure your lost puppy will show up soon.” 2. “Maybe he’s dead.”

1. “I should probably wear a condom.” 2. “Hey, if you’re fine with it.”

1. “This cliff is really high and I can’t swim well. I shouldn’t jump.” 2. “I’ll show you a chicken.”

1. “Oh, yes. No matter what, I can always put a smile on at a job.” 2. “Most people piss me off.” 1. “I think I see a police officer. We should leave.” 2. “I want the green hit.”

1. “How old are you?” 2. “Yeah, we can go hang out at my place.”

1. “You look beautiful.” 2. “Huh? Oh?you look all right.”

1. “Gosh, that poor guy has a rather unhealthy tumor.” 2. “Hey, everyone! Look at the freak with the tumor!”

1. “Excuse me, I have to go use the bathroom.” 2. “I’m gonna go make a tinkle in Mr. Potty.”

1. “I’m happy with my own religion, thank you.” 2. “Jehovah’s Witness, what’s that?

1. “We should get you to a hospital.” 2. “Suck it up and be a man.” 1. “Here, take my wallet.” 2. “Crips? That’s a pretty stupid name.”

1. “Wall Street Journal, please” 2. “Barely Legal.”

1. “Thank you so much for rescuing me from that burning building.” 2. “You scratched me!”

1. “What a cute baby.” 2. “I would have gone with the abortion.”

1. “I disagree with you, sir.” 2. “Poopy-face!”

1. “I had a great night, Kelly.” 2. “I had a great night, Shelly.”

1. “You’re pretty, what’s your name?” 2. “I think I could settle for you.”