If you like licking toads, move out of Cali

Daily Sundial

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Upon moving to Virginia, a friend once told me that having sex in any position other than the missionary position was illegal. Hearing about this absurd law, which can obviously not be regulated, prompted me to find similar weird laws that have yet to be taken off the books. According to ahajokes.com, there are many cities within California that have not kept their law books updated.

In Baldwin Park, it is illegal for any person to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. Have you ever gone to a beach and tried to pretend you’re a lifeguard? Trying to run in water is difficult enough. I can’t imagine trying to add to the physical exhaustion. And to add to it, the bike would have to be a tricycle, wouldn’t it? It can’t stand up on its own in the water. Wait, maybe we could use the kickstand.

In Belvedere, the city council has an order that reads, “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.” Well, dogs do control quite a bit of owners when out on walks, so why not put the master on the leash instead?

In Burlingame, it is illegal to spit, unless one is on a baseball diamond. Remind me that the next time I get a loogie, I should run to the nearest baseball field.

In Hollywood, it is illegal to drive more than 2,000 sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. I don’t know why this law was passed. The traffic on that street would move faster if we were trying to herd sheep rather than cars.

In Long Beach, it is illegal to put anything other than a car in a garage. What about all my useless stuff that I absolutely refuse to throw away because one day I might just actually use it or want it.

In Pacific Grove, a person can be fined $500 if caught molesting a butterfly. Oh my goodness! Make sure Michael Jackson never moves to Pacific Grove.

In Pasadena, it is illegal for a secretary to be in a room alone with her boss. Well dang it, how am I going to be able to have an affair with my boss then?

In Redlands, motor vehicles cannot drive on city streets unless a man is walking in front of the car with a lantern. Are we camping? Well, I guess in Redlands, we just might be.

In San Francisco, an ugly person cannot walk down any street. Janet Reno, make sure you stay in your hotel if you ever decide to visit this city.

Also, in San Francisco, an elephant is not allowed to stroll down Market Street if it is not on a leash. Maybe the mayors of Belvedere and San Francisco should meet. They might be able to exchange ideas.

In good old San Francisco, it is illegal to use used underwear to wipe a car. Now this one really gets to me. I mean, doesn’t everyone take off their underwear when their car has frost on the window. What are we all going to do now?

And last but not least, we have Los Angeles.

Toads may not be licked. That’s OK. I prefer to kiss frogs.

Dogs cannot mate within 500 yards of a church. Otherwise they can get a $500 fine or six months in prison. I will make sure that my dog clearly understands this law, but he has plenty of money in the bank. I don’t think $500 will be a burden for him if he chooses to not abide.

One cannot cry while on the witness stand. Somebody better remind lawyers of this. They might need to take their defendants to another county, where the crying game will allow them to be acquitted. Why don’t we outlaw dressing properly too? Maybe with both of them we will be able to see the defendant for who he or she really is.