Satire: A few sure ways to secure a job after graduating university

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Satire: A few sure ways to secure a job after graduating university

Illustration by Sarah Hofstedf

Illustration by Sarah Hofstedf

Illustration by Sarah Hofstedf

Illustration by Sarah Hofstedf

Sarah Hofstedt

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There are loads of ways to make a lasting impression on a hiring manager, and they vary among industries. To save space, I will focus on the power of interpersonal interaction.

THE HANDSHAKE

  1. Have a firm grip. A gentle caress of the hand weirds people out and makes you look like a wannabe southern belle waiting for a suitor to kiss their knuckles tenderly.
  2. If your hands are sweaty a lot, resign yourself to a life of wet handshakes. You may be tempted to fist bump people, but are you Howie Mandel? No? Then don’t do that. Just accept that your handshakes are kinda gross.
  3. Don’t reach with your left hand. That’s just obnoxious. We live in a right-handed world, so you better conform or get out.

EYE CONTACT

  1. Don’t flick your eyes around like a nervous 9-year-old who just stole a Kit Kat from the grocery store. That makes you look untrustworthy, even to those in untrustworthy professions, like car sales, or reporting.
  2. Don’t stare too hard, because the hiring manager may take that as a threat, and you’ll likely find yourself covered in scratches and pocket sand if and when they become hostile.

SMALL TALK

  1. I actually have no idea how to do small talk. Say something about the weather I guess?

There are countless ways to make yourself stand out. I would suggest taking about 10 seconds to actually use your brain to figure out a solution; if you can’t come up with anything, maybe you don’t deserve to get hired?

You could call them really early or really late and ask about their childhood, or you can light their car on fire. Both would be equally memorable, but the latter is much more intense and speaks to your passion as an employee and as a general maniac.

You could try waiting for them at their favorite coffee shop, then accost them with questions and mad attempts at small talk about the dying industry of professional sports.

If you really want a hiring manager to remember you, try giving them a present. You can make them a gift from the heart, like a playlist of songs that express your love of the company, or a sock bunny. Or you can go into nature and find them a cool-looking rock or stick. If you are loaded and can afford to buy them an extravagant gift, get out of here and let the people who really need money have a chance at the job. There are people with college degrees living in poverty. Jerk.