Not just for toppling dictators anymore

Facebook has been fingered by some divorce attorneys as a prime suspect for failed relationships in the U.S., with some even going so far as to demand access to a client’s Facebook page before any real legal action takes place.

It makes sense, a password-protected, private flirting realm has an undeniable allure. Who hasn’t creeped a person or two on Facebook but run headlong into stupid privacy settings so you can’t look at their photos without friending them?

I don’t want to be your friend, I want to see what you look like drunk in a bikini.

And then, maybe. But only if you help me in Mafia Wars.
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Guilty feet have got no rhythm

When I saw this story, I first thought 23-year-old Mathieu had conquered his hearing problem. No, he’s just the first official manifestation of white man’s disease.

Mathieu has “Beat Deafness,” he cannot recognize beat or pace in music and cannot move in accordance with it.  He can’t even tell if someone else is doing it properly. Even if he’d like to, Mathieu couldn’t move it, move it.

As tragic as it is to consider, I would be remiss in not pointing out that Flynt Flossy’s ground-breaking masterpiece “Did I mention I like to dance” would be completely lost on this guy.

If you don’t know who Flynt Flossy is, you might also have Beat Deafness. Go get checked out.
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Just tell her you live in fear

Two doctors in Florence, Italy think they may have gotten to the root of one of history’s most famous pickles: why Michelangelo didn’t put a little more hanglow in David’s business?

They believe the master artist was exhibiting David’s fear during his famous battle with Goliath, citing the statue’s fighting stance, his wide eyes, the straining muscles on his brow, even his flared nostrils.  And, so attuned to minutia was Michelangelo that he accounted for David’s fear all the way down to his penis, which these doctors insist is tripping over its own testicles to get the hell away from Goliath.

Gut check, guys.  Are your nostrils flaring? Did a girl notice? You’d better be facing an army of Philistines.
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Pretty please?

This is what happens when you can’t kick a little a** as a parent anymore.  You get impudent children who won’t get out of bed without a phone call from Magic Johnson.

High schools around the country are trying new tactics to get chronically late students to class.  Students at a school in Boston got a surprise call from their principal, presumably baby-talking the little princes and princesses from Slumberland.

A school in Anaheim, California is actually using GPS-tracking devices and students in New York City are getting the celebrity calls.

Now, I won’t get out of bed for a lot of things but I’m an adult. That didn’t fly when I was growing up.  The only celebrity reference a parent needed back in the day was, “Get the hell out of bed and go to school before I beat you with your Air Jordans.”
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Flying shucksh

I swear you can’t do anything on planes anymore.  First it was smoking.  Smoking had to go, and I kind of agree, it’s rude to do in an airtight tube.

More recently, airlines stopped giving you peanuts because somehow, there is an ever-increasing number of people deathly allergic to peanuts.

What the hell does this have to do with me? I like peanuts and I’m not going to lunge at anyone with my few peanuts. Give me back my damn peanuts.

And now this: A man flying from Paris to Atlanta assaulted his sleeping female neighbor, “indicating he needed sex.” When she protested, an Air Marshall came to her rescue but the assaulter karate chopped him in the neck.

Evidently this is all illegal now. In my day, we called it Sean Connery.