Freedom from speech

This story required little from me, I just wanted to pass it along because it’s been a long time coming. A Louisiana website tells the tale of a Mississippi town standing up to a Kansas nuisance:

The body of USMC Staff Sgt. Jason Rogers returned from Afghanistan to his hometown of Brandon, Mississippi to be laid to rest at a funeral attended by hundreds, maybe thousands of townsfolk. The significance lies with a group that made the pilgrimage to Brandon but was unable to attend.

The Westboro Baptist Church arrived several days early, preparing their usual protests but one member was a bit too vociferous at a gas station and “got his arse waxed.”

So thorough was the beating, the beatee couldn’t describe the beater and the huge crowd that gathered must have been looking at something else because none of them saw anything, officer.

Other townsfolk found the hotel where Phelps’ parishioners were staying, parked their trucks right behind vehicles with Kansas license plates and lost their cell phones until after the funeral. In an odd coincidence, the town’s tow truck service was running behind schedule and police told the stranded church members, terribly sorry but it will be several hours.

Ever diligent, some WBC members almost made it to the funeral but local police felt they looked remarkable similar to suspects in a recent crime and officers questioned them for several hours, just to be sure. Unfortunately when they were released, the funeral was already over.

Better luck next time, guys.

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There’s the beef

“The pictures we’ve been drooling over for years are actually of MEAT,” screeched a blogger, accusing vegan magazine VegNews of sometimes using photos of foods that actually contain meat.

“Get your barf bag ready,” she cried, after seeing an image of soup that was supposed to be vegan but was actually made with chicken.

Yes, attack a privately owned and independently run magazine selflessly touting your lifestyle because occasionally they lack the resources to get images of meat-free food.

This is the best news in months, not because it’s good to dupe people, but because people like this woman are a-holes who are so officially out of real problems, they can’t get over themselves, shut the hell up and just be.

The pictures are only an example of what the dish might look like. They aren’t scratch and sniff, you can’t taste them, you don’t suddenly crave bloody meat, nobody slipped a steak roofie into your V-8, being fooled by a hot transsexual on the Internet doesn’t make me gay…

Ok, that one got away from me.

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Hoppy meal

Speaking of meat, Fox News wants you to forever pervert Easter by serving rabbit for dinner this Sunday.

According to the article, rabbit has less fat and cholesterol than chicken, veal or even turkey, fewer calories than beef or pork and is the most easily digestible protein. They have a high meat-to-bone ratio, can be raised on alfalfa, clovers or grass, and since they grow so quickly and spend less time on Earth, their clean meat doesn’t develop toxins or a thin chocolate shell and little candy eyes.

They are also the only four-legged animal a cook can take whole into their kitchen and are sold sans fur and generally headless and footless. They do look a little like a skinned cat but if that bothers you, the article suggest you buy one with feet attached.

This is all very compelling but really, the only reason to eat rabbit is to horrify that stupid blogger. Eat it really messily. On her lawn. Look her in the eye. Wave and assure her, “It’s ok! They were generally headless, footless and only look a little like your cat but that didn’t bother me!”

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Ain’t no goin’ greener

The day has finally come. Sweet old Aunt Gertie led a long life and went peacefully in her sleep. Isn’t it time to honor her last wishes to be buried in the family plot?

Hell no. Chuck that puppy into the smoke house until she’s dry as jerky, dump her in liquid nitrogen and when she’s otter pop-blue, smash her with anything handy, then throw her on the ground and jam a rose bush in her. Stand tall over your vanquished aunt with a cold one and be proud because that sir, is ecological.

So says Swedish scientist Susanne Wiigh-Masak. Her company Promessa Organic has been helping those in their last extremity die progressively with this green approach since 1997.

Watch yourself around the Swedes, man. You want to be a tree?

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No

Thought that was harsh? You won’t once you understand seniors are living longer and filling their time with unprotected sex. More sex than you’re getting, I’ll wager.

So much joint-creaking, freaky, frictioned sex in fact that STDs are up 43 to 71 percent for people 55 and over.

Well, why not? Don’t old people need love?

Who cares? I have two aunts in their 60s and I’m ready to skip the jerky step on this one. Hell I’m ready to skip the death step and stuff them struggling into the cooling vat. This is horrific. The sex, I mean.

But if you haven’t turned your family seniors into plant food yet, at least bring them a basket full of condoms this weekend. Hold your breath, throw it as close to their creepy, diseased home as possible and have a happy Easter.