The top five: new rules of gym etiquette

John Michael Simko

Over the weekend, I frequented the gym, ran on the treadmill and discovered something astonishing. I felt really out of place and couldn’t figure out why. I slowed down my tempo and gazed at other gym patrons when I was thunderstruck.

I didn’t grasp the latest gym rules and must have overlooked the guidelines for working out. This occurs when you’re busy and pop in on odd days and obscure hours because you lack a perfect schedule or routine. Apparently, I missed the latest memo of rules that were implemented at gyms across the nation. I feel obligated to pass along this information to other uninformed gym members. Here are the new redesigned rules:

5. TAKE THE TIME TO SOCIALIZE

Courtesy of MCT

Clubs possess nothing on gym gatherings. Who needs a fancy dress shirt and slacks to hit on a girl when a T-shirt and basketball shorts will suffice? In clubs, women seductively adorn themselves with open back dresses, low-cut tops, mini-skirts, etc. to reveal sultry skin.

Without the over-priced drinks, valet parking, bouncers/security and dim-lighting, there’s no confusion about the female you’ve spotted in the gym. Occasionally, women enjoy better six packs and/or athletic arms, but those ladies are usually doing bicep curls next to you and/or spotting your bench press.

It’s cheaper, easier, and healthier to meet someone in a gym than to consume countless, careless calories in a restaurant or getting smashed at a nightclub. Flirting prevails as a primary benefit in joining a gym.

Courtesy of Howie Luvzus/ FLICKR

4. ALWAYS WEAR SKIMPY OUTFITS

“Blinded by the cellulite”– or maybe I have been listening to too much Bruce Springsteen and Weird Al while I workout at the gym. You probably should avoid looking ahead while on exercise machines otherwise you might get a craving for cottage cheese.

Less is better and definitely facilitates socializing. Spend less on a dress when spandex will do. A wise man once said spandex is a right, not a privilege…or was it the other way around?

We want to behold your body rolls and witness a new meaning to skin-tight.  Let that cellulite and flab pop out of those tiny shorts for everyone to observe. It’s not like we yearn to be sick after a workout.

3.ALWAYS STAY ON A CELL PHONE

Mp3 and iPods are already archaic while cellphones predominate as the new entertainment for 2010. Text, talk, and workout are the redesigned pumping irons for gym rats. Why workout when you can gossip surrounded by consummate strangers and describe in detail all your intimate secrets for everyone to eavesdrop? Texting while running is the ultimate workout because you exercise your brain and your body. This is genius in effort, energy and exertion. Even more exhilarating is bench pressing with your blue tooth on. Pump and prattle during a few reps for a serious workout. Imagine gym life without trendy technology.


Courtesy of MCT

2. CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS

There used to be a time when the world was religious, but that time no longer exists. Nowadays people identify with being agnostic and/or atheist so why compare ourselves to a “god” or God? Why emulate something or some being that may or may not exist? Aren’t we struggling to be environmentally conscious? Besides, some of us revel in contracting bacteria on our exposed bodies at the gym.

Not cleaning up gym sweat stains befriends the environment. We curtail the number of cut trees when we reduce paper towel use. We spare water normally wasted for disinfectant and spread the wealth for all “natural creatures.” In the 21st century, pharmaceutical and prescription drugs can cure pretty much anything. Sure there might be the occasional side effect like itching, scratching, redness, dryness, cottonmouth, blistering, swelling, ozzing, rash, dizziness, trouble breathing, vomiting, etc., but that’s only temporary…right? Still, you get what you pay for.


1.REMEMBER TO JUDGE EVERYONE

Courtesy of MCT

Criticism and evaluation motivates people. Celebrated coaches Vince Lombardi and John Wooden became immortalized for their accomplishments and words of wisdom. So can you! Pump iron next to a fatty, fleshy person and share something along the lines, “Do you want to have a heart attack soon?” Keep them motivated, encouraged, and inspired. Flex your muscles for everyone to appreciate so they can emulate your efforts and soon possess a similar physique. Boast about how much you bench pressed to ridicule others who can barely lift. Exhibit and mock to demonstrate that working out means having to “work at” and not something you can casually achieve. Your recipients will be most appreciative, indebted and thankful for what you’ve done for them.

English humorist Jerome K. Jerome once quipped, “I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”