The Top Five: Bad music, bad parents, jerks and selfishness

Britten Fay

I’m every woman
A music-loving man in Folkestone, England was first served a noise abatement notice and then actually had cops kick down his door because he wouldn’t stop blasting Whitney Houston and 50 Cent.
He was so obnoxious with his “tiny collection of CDs” the warrant is still open and cops can go back, kick down however many doors they have to and take anything else he buys in perpetuity. Even if it’s something awesome like Flynt Flossy.
Maybe not then. That might earn him official knighthood.
But the English don’t eff around. This guy can’t even walk by a record store any more without getting tackled by police and tazed. Logging onto iTunes is equivalent to possessing child porn and if he so much as hums, upstanding citizens are expected to punch him in the face.
Meanwhile, I’m free to play whatever I damn well please. Even if it’s Rebecca Black and not on Friday.
Fun. Fun. Fun. Fun.
Mary Shelley mom
Continuing with British hijinks of late, a mother from Birmingham is busily grooming and dooming her daughter to adulthood as some sort of reality show Frankenstein.
8-year-old Britney actually enjoys her Botox injections and waxing, both for her fluffy leg hair and to ensure her pubic hair won’t ever grow in. She also looks forward to a nose job, a boob job and tattooing a high arch into her eyebrows as well as adding a nice pink tint to her lips.
When asked if this was not only an incredibly unhealthy upbringing for a young girl but shallow and colossally stupid to boot, the mother brayed dismissively and kicked a hole in her stall.
This little girl doesn’t stand a chance at a sane life and the shame of it is, she’s still pretty ugly.
Dating back long before any of us were born, a common refrain by mothers was, “finish your supper, there are starving children in China.”
Nobody knows what the hell one has to do with the other but anyone with a mother knows they don’t want a discussion when it’s time for you to do something.
They’re rarely impressed by cognitive prowess or liberal tendencies when someone who still carries a lunchbox to school wants to split hairs with them, and rarer still do they start to make more sense when so pressed. Usually the opposite is true, accompanied by loud noises.
If you do start pushing for answers you’re only going to bring unwelcome complications into your life and may well be sent to bed without supper so you can suffer right along with those starving Chinese babies (figure that one out), lacking any enlightenment for your troubles.
The point is, there’s an freaking 132-pound 3-year-old in China. Eat up so you can’t fit in his mouth.
Hold the grease
Speaking of growing up, remember drawing on the sidewalk with chalk? Maybe stick figures with goofy faces or a hopscotch board? Well forget it.
One jerk in the Nunawading district (At least I think it’s a district. Who cares? It’s fun to say with an Aussie accent) of Whitehorse, Australia complained to the city council about graffiti on the sidewalk outside a café where patrons’ children were allowed to play.
One jerk.
So naturally the council approached the owner and said they have to stop. No more, it’s over. Up next for banning: joy, puppies and childish laughter.
We do this in America too, we listen to the squeakiest a-hole and ignore the silent majority who aren’t miserable and bored with too much time on their hands and a bug up their ass.
How did this happen? How did officials from the FCC all the way to councilmen in Australia get fooled by fringe groups?
“Well, we get all these letters” they’ll say, slapping a fistful of letters for effect. More than likely, those are form letters all from the same damn group at the same damn address.
Stop encouraging any a-hole with a photocopier to dictate to the rest of us how we live.
Less than 10 percent of women have a same-sex experience in college
God damn it, like I wasn’t angry enough. Fix it!