The top five: ways to become a pop-culture icon

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Paris Hilton hit the news once again with admiration and idolization from her followers after a recent Las Vegas cocaine bust, which merely hiccups her spotless social life. Police stopped the nefarious heiress in her boyfriend’s car near the Wynn Las Vegas resort on suspicion of smoking marijuana when they discovered an undisclosed amount of cocaine in her purse.

Obviously, the purse wasn’t Hilton’s, but clearly her friend’s. It’s so great that the youth of America have such an amazing and courageous young woman to admire. But how can you tell if a pop-culture figure is a good role model? Let’s take a look at the five ideal traits to becoming a pop-culture icon in today’s America.

Tiger Woods Courtesy of MCT

5. HAVE AN AFFAIR
Nothing says “good role model” more than sleeping around. Just look at Tiger Woods and Jesse James. Before their affairs, they were just “that black golfer” and Sandra Bullock’s husband, respectively.

Just make sure to have sexual relations with a stripper, escort, or aspiring porn star because, after all, you are giving strength to women by making them financially responsible, independent and secure in their professions.

What’s wrong with a confident woman who knows what she wants and takes advantage of a good situation?

Just remember to be generous if you tip her with your Black American Express card. Giving them a plain old 15 percent tip just says cheapskate. You want to make sure you come off as a gentleman rather than a frugal bastard.

Paris Hilton Courtesy of MCT

4. MAKE A SEX TAPE
Exhibit your birthday suit. Perform and produce a video for the planet to appreciate. Exposing yourself to everyone will humanize you by proving you aren’t perfect.

What better way to get into the hearts and minds of everyone, especially men?

Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, you’re both terrific and tremendous talents who have opened the world’s eyes to all that you can bestow upon us. Bless you both.

You have given new meaning to talent that words can’t even begin to describe and given hope to countless people who believe they have no purpose in life.

3.HAVE A BASTARD

Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin, and Trig Palin Courtesy of MCT

Do you want to prove that you’re strong, independent, and capable of responsibility? What better way is there to prove yourself in the world than by having a child out of wedlock?

Nothing says commitment like having a child. Jamie Lynn Spears is a terrific mother for being a brave and compassionate teenage actress/singer who has taken a few years off from her career to care for her daughter.

Besides, who knows what might happen by showing your courage? You might even get to make a guest appearance on a TV show like “Secret Life of the American Teenager,” playing a version of yourself proclaiming how awesome it is to have a bastard and how responsible it is to be a teenage mother. Just ask Bristol Palin.

Kim Kardashian Courtesy of MCT

2. USE PEOPLE
If one of your friends and/or acquaintances has connections, take advantage of them. Get close to people and become best friends until people talk about or hang out with you more.

When you eclipse your friend’s acclaim, adoration, and adulation, abandon and ignore them. After all, you’re done with them and don’t need their help to continue building up your reputation.

Who would want to merely be someone’s eye candy, or “that friend” no one knows?

You don’t want people to believe you actually know that person or really socialize with them. It’s all about appearances, illusions and impressions. Just ask Nicole Richie and Kim Kardashian.

Robert Downey Jr., Lindsay Lohan, James Brown and Nicole Ritchie Courtesy of MCT

1. PUBLIC INTOXICATION & GENERAL DISRESPECT FOR THE LAW
Getting drunk at home or taking cabs is for losers. Real people go out, get wasted and drive/operate heavy machinery.

Public intoxication helps create a better perception of the world. What better way is there to get people to feel better about themselves than getting drunk and driving like a maniac to prove the world is full of D-bags?

Public intoxication is the 21st-century way to protest publicly against the horrible atrocities occurring in the world, such as laws and moral standards.

A wise individual once said that rules were made to be broken, and that’s definitely something to take into consideration.

Besides, doesn’t DUI stand for Drunks United for Independence?


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  • Lou

    I have to admit, I did get a laugh out of this. This did seem overly sarcastic but I guess it’s the nature of the topic. Maybe over-the-top with ‘have a bastard.” But I laughed anyway :-D

  • Karoline

    This was a very funny approach to this topic. When I saw it in the paper I laughed.